When a heart stops beating...

This is the first of a series of posts as I learn to deal with the pain of losing a baby. Thank you for going on this journey with me.

For most of my life, I questioned unconditional love. Maybe it was the skeptic journalist inside or just the reality I saw in the world around me, either way a love with no limits was not a concept I just couldn't grasp.

I was raised on the belief that God loves us no matter what, but even as a child I doubted the message. This subject is addressed in the Bible -- "seven times seven times seven." I'm no math genious, but my calculater tells me the answer is 343. That's a limit... or at least that's what I believed for the majority of my life as I counted up the little sins and disappointments inching closer to the day my "unconditional" love expired.

That day came and went, but I honestly can't tell you when. I lost count the day I realized I hadn't been counting my entire life. Occassionally I would ask God to show me how he loves, hoping for a glimmer of understanding. Eventually my husband came along. I loved him more than I had ever loved another person, but I still knew if he hurt me enough there would be an end in sight.

Then I became a mother.

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