a place to be me...

(((warning, i had to find a place to let it all out, i had to vent, sorry))


i cant be me in my house, because i cant let the kids know what is going on...
i can't be me on my main blog because family read it and i get judged
i cant be me on my main blog and my depression blog because since i want to take my blog to do more reviews, i cant have my real life on it, my sad life, my life as a wife.

i cant go to my friends at the infertility/loss blogs because they already have so much they are going through
i cant go to my mommy sites because it's just that, a mommy site, not a wife site.

i am glad i came here, i hope here i can just rant about what i feel and how i feel.

i am going through such a hard time right now and the only person that is supposed to be there for me, my husband, is being the biggest ass in the world!

maybe im just too emotional right now, maybe he is going through things too, but for one, i want to stop thinking about him and his feeling. i want him toi think about mine!!

why is it so hard for him to do that? when i have needed him the most, he has been the furthest away, i dont mean by deployments, i mean emotionally and supportingly.

i am going through a miscarriage, i am going through it alone, because he didnt want more kids, so its something that i have had to go through by myself everytime(6) it happens. he says sorry in the most forced way. fine, i get that, i get myself by and support myself it's just the way it is.

he just told me hes getting out of the miitary, is it his fault? yes! have i blamed him? not to his face, just in my mind. for years he has been getting in trouble in the navy for his weight. last year, he hit 328 on the scale. i have begged him millions of times to do something abou tit. he tells me to shut it, or ignores me, or says he will. he was on medical limited duty due to his knees, because of his weight. he wasnt allowed to re-enlist becvause of his weight. on Dec.17, 2009 we were told by the medical board that they were extendin g him for 6 more months, but they were going to do that so we can make sure we had all our things in order because he was not going to be extended again, again because of his weight. so i begged him to do something about it again, begged him to start on the 1st of Jan. yesterday he came home saying the pt department said he is being detached from the military and we have 15 days left.
i am loosing my mind, i am going through such a major depression prior to this, i have been the only one dealing with 6 yearl old health problems and his school issues and diagnosis, because my husb isn't too involved with the kids either.

no, i am not trying to paint him into a bad picture, i just need to let it out before i loose it!!
we have a history together and anytime he has changed the password on the bank account it has been for WRONG reason, so today i tried to check the acct and it said password was incorrect. i called him and asked hi m if there was anything he needed to tell me. he went OFF!!!
he was screaming at me at the top of his huge lungs and hung up on me. i called back a few times and it was a repeat. no matter what, i have always looked out for him first, before my own feelings. i have told him that no matter what i will support him and be there for him.

why should i want to travel from california where i have lived all my life, to new york to smooch off of his aunt while he finds a job if he cant even support me emotionally and give me respect?

we have been in a rocky marriage since before we married, lol, so im at the point right now where i am wondering if its worth it. is it worth it lily? i ask myself, i dont know anymore.

i do love him, but i can not willingly move cross country with a man that i am not sure i will stay with a year from now. maybe if our marriage was stronger i wouldnt have to think about it, but its not, it never has been.

i called him one last time, before he hung up on me i told him i had something to say and if he hung up he would never know, he hung up on me. i tried one more time and told him to shut up and listen, i told him how i am tired of putting him first, how i do not deserve to be treated this way by him, i am the only person that is there and will ever be there for him and i dont deserve this from him, how i do blame him and i do believe its his fault what we are going through, bt that i still have tried to put him first, no matter that i am going through a miscarriage by myself and no matter that our whole family will have to up and move, i am still there but no longer will he be put before me. i hung up.

do i want to move to the end of the earth with a man who has never in ten years respected me enough to not hang up on me, or scream at me, or been there for me emotionally? i have weighed my pros and cons, i do love him, and he does make me laugh, the kids do love him, but i am at the point where i have to choose my pros from my cons, and right now the cons outweigh the pros by three times fold.

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

((if you didnt know what you were getting into before you read this, but i was about too explode))