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How do you "cut the apron strings"?
I a mom to 2 grown sons. My oldest is self sufficient and never asks for anything.However, my 27 year old asks me to do everything for him. He is divorced now for 4 years. Lives on his own but 2 streets over from me. He has me clean his house, do his laundry, pay his bills, run food to him at work, etc. He has a 3 yr. old son that stays with me unless his dad has a couple of hours free. My health is failing and I have had 6 major surgeries this year. I no sooner than get out of the hospital and he needs something. If I say no, he gets furious and nasty to me. This has put a serious strain on my marriage. I love my son and my husband and would like to keep them both. I have put my son's demands very lightly here.He does work 12-14 hours a day but has 2 days off. My husband is not his dad. We have been married 11 years.Any suggestions?
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Permalink Reply by Joanna on -
Hi Debbie,
I understand your situation and I am sorry to hear this. Personally, I think that there are boundaries in relationships and sometimes you can only do so much before others start taking it for granted. Sometimes, if you love someone so much that it is easy to overcare for them and whatever you are doing may be taken for granted. It sounds like you have to care more about yourself and your husband. If I am in this situation, I will let my son know that I can't help him so much anymore due to health / financial limitations. If he still decide to be mad at me but if I realize that I have already done the best I can, there is really nothing more I can do. If he starts to realize that you have limitations, he should learn to respect you and at least assume more responsibilities for his own family. It is natural that parents care about their children and want to take of them. However, I think there is a certain point in time when children (once grown up) have to take care of their parents. I don't think it is too much to ask for them to take more responsiblities for their own lives.
Just my opinion
Joanna -
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Permalink Reply by Debbie on -
Thanks Joanna,
I just had emergency appendectomy last Wednesday and already today he has called needing me to go pay his bills nd shop for his son. He never asks for money as makes alot but wants alot of time and is totally oblivious to my pain. I felt sorry for him when his wife left and he was an emotional wreck. I went everyday to his house to clean and take care of him. But it is 4 years later and he still expects it. When I say No he actually starts cursing me. I love him but he upsets my husband and causes us to fight as I try to smooth it over with both of them. He spends no time with his son and it wears me out trying to take care of him. I am at a loss and need to practice tough love but o I lose my son and grandson? I don't know......... -
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Permalink Reply by Joanna on
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Hi Debbie,
I think "tough love" is a good description. You care a lot about your son and grandson but at the same time, you have to let your son know that he has to spend more time with his son. Spending time with his child is actually very important in the child's development because bondings between parent/son as well as learning from his parents happen during their time together. I think for the good of both your son and grandson, you should let go a little... I know it is tough but it is worth it.
Joanna
Debbie said:Thanks Joanna,
I just had emergency appendectomy last Wednesday and already today he has called needing me to go pay his bills nd shop for his son. He never asks for money as makes alot but wants alot of time and is totally oblivious to my pain. I felt sorry for him when his wife left and he was an emotional wreck. I went everyday to his house to clean and take care of him. But it is 4 years later and he still expects it. When I say No he actually starts cursing me. I love him but he upsets my husband and causes us to fight as I try to smooth it over with both of them. He spends no time with his son and it wears me out trying to take care of him. I am at a loss and need to practice tough love but o I lose my son and grandson? I don't know......... -
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