How Much Do We Compromise?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Joanna Trusdle on August 8, 2009 at 8:44am

I have definitely found myself just not saying anything in order to avoid the conflict. He tends to get all quiet and pouty when things aren't always going the way he wants them to. When it comes to my kids, I used to go along with all of his ideas, but I have since changed my ways on that one. I have decided that they're my kids and I have been raising them since the beginning, and I don't always agree with his way of doing things. I have also learned to talk through his pouting, and eventually we get to a decent discussion. I have also discovered that when I stand up for what I believe in, he has become much more open to discussions and bendable. Through these discoveries, I have found the man I am in love with to be a man with a huge, wonderful heart and it's all worth it.

Permalink Reply by Meagan Frank on August 8, 2009 at 9:11am

Joanna,
I think this is an incredibly crucial question. I think you are right to identify that if too many compromises are made on one side of the relationship, it can lead to frustration and trouble down the line. I think when there is something that you care deeply about (those big ticket items) you need to express your ideas, in a calm and logical way. Try the best you can to take any emotion out of your own argument. Most men do not know how to logically discuss things with an emotional woman, and to be honest, we don't do our best communicating when we are emotional or they are emotional. You should never expect that you will get all that you want, and there will be times that you will have to sacrifice, but it is fair to expect that he too will compromise and sacrifice for you, because that is what marriage is. The first few times you are "different" in your approach with him may be difficult and uncomfortable, because he may not be used to you standing up for yourself, but eventually he will learn to operate in the new communicating you.

Permalink Reply by Toni Parker on August 8, 2009 at 11:48am

I definitely think women give up waaay to much of themselves in marriages, which ultimately leads t resentment like in War of the Roses (one of my favorites). I now find myself resentful because I gave up a six-digit income as a trailing spouse, a Master's degree at Columbia for free, and I am living in Texas, which I am not too thrilled about. 5 years later, I am kind of tired of being the maid, the cook, and the psychiatrist-I just want to be pampered sometime too and I want to be appreciated for all that I have sacrificed to get him where he needs to be careerwise. We are now at a stage where he hears me, but please note that it's becasue I took the control back. I have just launched my holistic practice and now he and I are launching a cosmetics company so the kinks are beginning to work themselve lose. I can honestly say that working together is bringing us closer together because before, everything centered around the kids and work and there was not enough focus on us. We are in a great place now so I can exhale :).

Permalink Reply by Joanna on August 8, 2009 at 12:50pm

Yeah, it is a very tough thing to do right. I guess the key is to first make sure that I stand up for myself for the big ticket items. I have to choose my battle and can't expect that I can get everything. The thing is my husband only cares about the big ticket items and he is very flexible in other small things. He is very stubborn about where he wants to live and where he wants to work (he is a very mobile person and he will go to where opportunities take him). I, probably like many other wives, want more stability. Overall, we usually have conflicts ONLY in the big ticket items.
Having read your ideas, I think the first step is to communicate and stand up for myself. It is like a tug of war, I give in on something and he has to give in on something else...

Joanna

Permalink Reply by Kelly Ann Kortright on August 8, 2009 at 10:18pm

Its about meeting HALF way :)

Permalink Reply by Cindy Wong on August 10, 2009 at 12:11pm

If you step back and--with a cool head--think about the compromises he made for you, and you realize it's not even CLOSE to halfway, then there's a problem.

Sometimes it's because you haven't actually told him what you have on your mind--despite our wishful thinking, our better halves are closed to developing a sixth sense to detect your REAL thoughts. (I'm sometimes perplexed and can't decode what he thinks neither, so I'm sure it goes both ways.) Speak your mind. Let him know what you think. Try picking one thing and talk it over an easy weekend afternoon date, at a time when you know he won't be rushed to do something else or easily distracted.

BTW, when it comes to commitments (e.g. kids, marriage, settling), guys tend to avoid it (or the conversation). Sometimes you just have to assert your position with force. :)

Permalink Reply by Joanna on August 10, 2009 at 7:31pm

Yeah, I guess the whole thing has to start from an open communication. It is very easy to assume that he SHOULD understand my thoughts or my preferences but it still daunt me when he doesn't or maybe pretending not to understand. I think it is essential to stay firm on the thing that really matters or at least come to some middle ground with his position.
It seems that many of us have gone through this and are dealing with it with open and honest communication?

Jo

Permalink Reply by Joanna on August 11, 2009 at 11:55am

Also, I guess talking in the right moment is important. For example, if we dedicate some time to talk instead of randomly talking while he is busy doing other things.
But one very important question is, "what if he doesn't listen or compromise?"

Permalink Reply by Meagan Frank on August 12, 2009 at 10:04pm

That is a pretty scary question, but I think if you tell him that you believe that he loves you enough to listen to real concerns you have, he'll love you enough to actually do it. Most definitely you need to talk with him when he is not distracted, and when he can focus best on what you have to say. Make a fancy dinner...make reservations at a quiet restaurant, write out a personal invitation and put on there that you have something important to talk about. You probably know best what can get the attention of your husband, and it is worth effort (more than once) to get your point across.

Joanna said:

Also, I guess talking in the right moment is important. For example, if we dedicate some time to talk instead of randomly talking while he is busy doing other things.
But one very important question is, "what if he doesn't listen or compromise?"

Permalink Reply by Joanna on August 13, 2009 at 11:35am

Thanks Meagan for the help. I really need to learn to do this better. In fact, there is one really big topic that has been lingering for a while that we need to discuss. I have talked to him many times but each time only when he started talking about it. I took the passive role and disagreed with him when he brought it up. I should be more proactive and sets out a time to discuss with him in detail.
Jo

Meagan Frank said:

That is a pretty scary question, but I think if you tell him that you believe that he loves you enough to listen to real concerns you have, he'll love you enough to actually do it. Most definitely you need to talk with him when he is not distracted, and when he can focus best on what you have to say. Make a fancy dinner...make reservations at a quiet restaurant, write out a personal invitation and put on there that you have something important to talk about. You probably know best what can get the attention of your husband, and it is worth effort (more than once) to get your point across.

Joanna said:

Also, I guess talking in the right moment is important. For example, if we dedicate some time to talk instead of randomly talking while he is busy doing other things.
But one very important question is, "what if he doesn't listen or compromise?"

Permalink Reply by Meagan Frank on August 18, 2009 at 9:24pm

Joanna,
I've been thinking about you. Were you able to get your conversation in with your husband? How did it go?

Joanna said:

Thanks Meagan for the help. I really need to learn to do this better. In fact, there is one really big topic that has been lingering for a while that we need to discuss. I have talked to him many times but each time only when he started talking about it. I took the passive role and disagreed with him when he brought it up. I should be more proactive and sets out a time to discuss with him in detail.
Jo

Meagan Frank said:

That is a pretty scary question, but I think if you tell him that you believe that he loves you enough to listen to real concerns you have, he'll love you enough to actually do it. Most definitely you need to talk with him when he is not distracted, and when he can focus best on what you have to say. Make a fancy dinner...make reservations at a quiet restaurant, write out a personal invitation and put on there that you have something important to talk about. You probably know best what can get the attention of your husband, and it is worth effort (more than once) to get your point across.

Joanna said:

Also, I guess talking in the right moment is important. For example, if we dedicate some time to talk instead of randomly talking while he is busy doing other things.
But one very important question is, "what if he doesn't listen or compromise?"

Permalink Reply by Joanna on August 19, 2009 at 11:27am

Hi Meagan,
Thanks much for asking! I did set up a time this coming weekend to really talk about the topic. We both are so busy these days that I cannot believe how hard it is to have time and energy to even concentrate on real conversations:(
Basically, we want to discuss where to live long term and my husband wants to move back to Hong Kong. I have concerns about the fact that I won't be used to the environment and the people because I have been living Canada/US for such a long time. Hong Kong is a completely different environment and even though I was born there, things have changed so much since then. Hopefully, after the conversation, we can reach some ground of compromise... At this point, it seems almost impossible not to move, but it seems possible to get some of what I want if I move there...

Joanna



Meagan Frank said:

Joanna,
I've been thinking about you. Were you able to get your conversation in with your husband? How did it go?

Joanna said:

Thanks Meagan for the help. I really need to learn to do this better. In fact, there is one really big topic that has been lingering for a while that we need to discuss. I have talked to him many times but each time only when he started talking about it. I took the passive role and disagreed with him when he brought it up. I should be more proactive and sets out a time to discuss with him in detail.
Jo

Meagan Frank said:

That is a pretty scary question, but I think if you tell him that you believe that he loves you enough to listen to real concerns you have, he'll love you enough to actually do it. Most definitely you need to talk with him when he is not distracted, and when he can focus best on what you have to say. Make a fancy dinner...make reservations at a quiet restaurant, write out a personal invitation and put on there that you have something important to talk about. You probably know best what can get the attention of your husband, and it is worth effort (more than once) to get your point across.

Joanna said:

Also, I guess talking in the right moment is important. For example, if we dedicate some time to talk instead of randomly talking while he is busy doing other things.
But one very important question is, "what if he doesn't listen or compromise?"

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