A Community Where Wives Connect
His friends refuse to include me
Hi to all! This is my first effort at this. Background: my SO and I have been together (off and on) for 5-1/2 yrs. The first break up almost killed me. It was his idea. Then he contacted me after 8 mos and said all the right things including "move in with me". He is 61, I'm 64. He has been divorced for almost 20 yrs and has two grown sons. Ex has remarried. He has always been very involved in ex's family (he calls them his extended family) much more so than his immediate family. His ex gave me a lot of grief over the years (always so that he couldn't hear). I finally told her to back off and that she would not come into my home and take control. He took her side and we fought for months. I moved out, bought my own home and settled into a peaceful life. Then about 3 months ago he contacted me again. This time within two weeks he gave me a beautiful ring (that was his mother's) and asked me to marry him. He has told his "extended family" that regardless they will show me respect. The ex said "it's your life" but previously she had told him his sons would not come to visit and that he would not be invited to social functions. Now her nephew and his wife (who have 3 children that my SO loves) hasve told him that I will not be invited to their house and the children would not be allowed to visit him if I was around. We care going to counseling and hopefully we can work this out. HMy SO is a classic passive/aggressive personality. I'm not giving u p my house anytime soon but I obviously love him ery much. I'm concerned about doing this long term under the same roof. It seems we do just fine with each having our own space. Any suggestions?
Views: 1
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Joanna on -
Hi Barbara,
Thanks for sharing. I understand your concerns. Marriage is definitely more than a two people relationship because it involves family members from both sides. I guess that the reason why your SO is still so involved in his ex family is because of his two sons are now living with his ex wife? I don't understand why his ex wife would do such a thing of not allowing your SO's sons to visit just because your SO is remarrying. Maybe jealousy or some other reason? I think one thing that may help is to have just you and your SO really talk over this and determine what is the most important thing to tackle first. Maybe not getting along with the ex's family is something that can be given up because you guys are happy together. It is hard when so many factors start entangling and it may be easier to solve one thing at a time, starting from the most important. If it is for me, if I really do love this person, I would ask what is the most important to him. Maybe keeping in touch with his two sons is more essential than being invited to all the ex's family functions?
Anyways, just a thought...
Joanna -
-
Permalink Reply by Barbara Phoenix on -
Actually his sons are grown. One lives about 150 miles away and is successful in his career. The other does live at home in the basement apartment. I always got along with everyone in the "extended family". The incident where I told her to back off happened when my SO's father passed away (I was VERY close to him). She started calling at 7:00 am the next morning, called about 7 times before noon and then showed up at our house to discuss who would be invited to shiva services the evening after the day of the funeral. She and my SO were discussing this when I came back into the house. Everyone being invited were members of her family! I told my SO that he needed to consider his elderly uncles, cousins, etc. As we are of the Jewish faith, it was very poor form for her to even show up at our home before the funeral, it just isn't done. She is a very controlling and maniupulative woman. If I were the only one she had riled I would try to take a look at myself. But she has alienated so many others over the years I know it's not just me. At first my SO took her side. Now he has changed his tune and says that it doesn't make any difference how others view me, this is his life. His ex is remarried, treats her present husband like he is a puppet on a string and tries to do everything for my SO except sleep with him and do his laundry.
Joanna said:Hi Barbara,
Thanks for sharing. I understand your concerns. Marriage is definitely more than a two people relationship because it involves family members from both sides. I guess that the reason why your SO is still so involved in his ex family is because of his two sons are now living with his ex wife? I don't understand why his ex wife would do such a thing of not allowing your SO's sons to visit just because your SO is remarrying. Maybe jealousy or some other reason? I think one thing that may help is to have just you and your SO really talk over this and determine what is the most important thing to tackle first. Maybe not getting along with the ex's family is something that can be given up because you guys are happy together. It is hard when so many factors start entangling and it may be easier to solve one thing at a time, starting from the most important. If it is for me, if I really do love this person, I would ask what is the most important to him. Maybe keeping in touch with his two sons is more essential than being invited to all the ex's family functions?
Anyways, just a thought...
Joanna -
-
Permalink Reply by Joanna on
-
Hi Barbara,
That must be really hard for you to have to deal with this kind of person. I can imagine how hard it is to have to live with the fact that someone else is always trying to manipulate and stay close to your SO. I believe in the concept of keeping boundaries and this is definitely a case for stepping WAY over the boundaries. How do you deal with this and his ex wife always stepping into your lives? I can't imagine myself being able to do that!
In any case, I think it is comforting that your SO is at least standing up for you and giving you support. If he thinks that you are more important than the "extended family", then I think this does make things much easier and better. I think it is right that this is his life and he get to choose who he wants to be with.
After all, you cannot control how others think of you or do, and you just have to care about who you love...
Joanna
Barbara Phoenix said:Actually his sons are grown. One lives about 150 miles away and is successful in his career. The other does live at home in the basement apartment. I always got along with everyone in the "extended family". The incident where I told her to back off happened when my SO's father passed away (I was VERY close to him). She started calling at 7:00 am the next morning, called about 7 times before noon and then showed up at our house to discuss who would be invited to shiva services the evening after the day of the funeral. She and my SO were discussing this when I came back into the house. Everyone being invited were members of her family! I told my SO that he needed to consider his elderly uncles, cousins, etc. As we are of the Jewish faith, it was very poor form for her to even show up at our home before the funeral, it just isn't done. She is a very controlling and maniupulative woman. If I were the only one she had riled I would try to take a look at myself. But she has alienated so many others over the years I know it's not just me. At first my SO took her side. Now he has changed his tune and says that it doesn't make any difference how others view me, this is his life. His ex is remarried, treats her present husband like he is a puppet on a string and tries to do everything for my SO except sleep with him and do his laundry.
Joanna said:Hi Barbara,
Thanks for sharing. I understand your concerns. Marriage is definitely more than a two people relationship because it involves family members from both sides. I guess that the reason why your SO is still so involved in his ex family is because of his two sons are now living with his ex wife? I don't understand why his ex wife would do such a thing of not allowing your SO's sons to visit just because your SO is remarrying. Maybe jealousy or some other reason? I think one thing that may help is to have just you and your SO really talk over this and determine what is the most important thing to tackle first. Maybe not getting along with the ex's family is something that can be given up because you guys are happy together. It is hard when so many factors start entangling and it may be easier to solve one thing at a time, starting from the most important. If it is for me, if I really do love this person, I would ask what is the most important to him. Maybe keeping in touch with his two sons is more essential than being invited to all the ex's family functions?
Anyways, just a thought...
Joanna -
© 2012 Created by Joanna.
Powered by
