Blunt Topic: Sex. Why Can't I 'Put Out'?

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Ivy on November 2, 2009 at 5:26pm

Do you have kids? The reason I ask is because since having my son, I've found myself with the same lack of interest when it comes to sex. I used to not only match his sex drive, but give it a run for its money. Now I find myself more interested in the things that I could get done instead of spending the time in the sack... or I could catch up on the much needed sleep.

What I did to overcome it, and let me tell you it is still a work something I'm constantly working at, is try to change my mind about it. I'll keep it on the forefront of my mind and even remind myself that this truly is a need men have. It's in their physical DNA to need sex. By reminding myself of that and just trying to remember to meet that need has helped. Although I will admit, at first it seemed like more of a chore than a reconnecting... but that quickly changes.

I hope that helps!

Permalink Reply by Amanda Winters - the A+ Plan on November 2, 2009 at 7:59pm

I think part of it is probably physical and part is probably emotional. Do you feel as attracted to him, physically and emotionally, as you used to? Marriage is about compromise, so sometimes, even if you aren't "feeling it," pretend like you really want him so he feels wanted too. I'm not suggesting you need to have sex all of the time, but he can not put so much pressure on you either...compromise. Good luck!
(BTW - it could also be a hormonal problem in which you should look at amino acids)
Amanda
Health, Fashion and Lifestyle Consultant
www.aplusplan.com

Permalink Reply by Dawn DeMarco on November 2, 2009 at 11:43pm

yes i am still attracted to him; probably even more-so than before. I mean, I've grown to love this man and find him more attractive by the day (especially since he's losing weight). I will look into the amino acid thing. Thanks.

Amanda Winters - the A+ Plan said:

I think part of it is probably physical and part is probably emotional. Do you feel as attracted to him, physically and emotionally, as you used to? Marriage is about compromise, so sometimes, even if you aren't "feeling it," pretend like you really want him so he feels wanted too. I'm not suggesting you need to have sex all of the time, but he can not put so much pressure on you either...compromise. Good luck!
(BTW - it could also be a hormonal problem in which you should look at amino acids)
Amanda
Health, Fashion and Lifestyle Consultant
www.aplusplan.com

Permalink Reply by Dawn DeMarco on November 2, 2009 at 11:45pm

no kids yet :) I try to change my mind-set but it's so hard. There are times where I just let him have his way and I do truly try to enjoy it. I know it's a need, and I'm learning more about him than ever. I have learned that he has serious compulsive problems. He desires something and it becomes a need. I will try to let him have his way a LITTLE more often.

Ivy said:

Do you have kids? The reason I ask is because since having my son, I've found myself with the same lack of interest when it comes to sex. I used to not only match his sex drive, but give it a run for its money. Now I find myself more interested in the things that I could get done instead of spending the time in the sack... or I could catch up on the much needed sleep.

What I did to overcome it, and let me tell you it is still a work something I'm constantly working at, is try to change my mind about it. I'll keep it on the forefront of my mind and even remind myself that this truly is a need men have. It's in their physical DNA to need sex. By reminding myself of that and just trying to remember to meet that need has helped. Although I will admit, at first it seemed like more of a chore than a reconnecting... but that quickly changes.

I hope that helps!

Permalink Reply by Joanna Trusdle on November 3, 2009 at 9:18am

Dawn, as I recall, you two are having some financial difficulties. Stress and whatever unhappiness there might be - disagreements about money, etc. - can having a significant effect on a marriage, and especially the sex life. It sounds like you two are talking about it, which is a huge step in the right direction. I am in my 40's, so there are many times when I am just too darned tired or whatever, from midlife hormone fluctuations, but I have found two things that have helped me. Sometimes I ask if we can just cuddle for the night, and by the time I have had a good nights rest and layed beside him all night, I am much more in the mood. Also, I have sometimes just made the mental decision to go ahead with sex, and ultimately, once I relax into it, it becomes a good thing.

Permalink Reply by Joanna Trusdle on November 3, 2009 at 9:22am

Just out of curiosity, Dawn (it might be none of my business, so it's okay if you don't answer), is your husband getting professional help with his OCD? If he is, great. If not, it might be something worth looking into for the sake of both of you.

Permalink Reply by Dawn DeMarco on November 3, 2009 at 9:46am

yeah same here. when i let myself go with it, it turns into a good thing. my problem is getting my mind to agree. As for your other question about OCD, he doesn't get help for anything (could be his pride; could be the money) and I don't think he thinks it's that bad. I mean, he doesn't count things or make everything straight and perfect. He's just compulsive.

Joanna Trusdle said:

Dawn, as I recall, you two are having some financial difficulties. Stress and whatever unhappiness there might be - disagreements about money, etc. - can having a significant effect on a marriage, and especially the sex life. It sounds like you two are talking about it, which is a huge step in the right direction. I am in my 40's, so there are many times when I am just too darned tired or whatever, from midlife hormone fluctuations, but I have found two things that have helped me. Sometimes I ask if we can just cuddle for the night, and by the time I have had a good nights rest and layed beside him all night, I am much more in the mood. Also, I have sometimes just made the mental decision to go ahead with sex, and ultimately, once I relax into it, it becomes a good thing.

Permalink Reply by Joanna Trusdle on November 9, 2009 at 6:54am

Dawn, if his compulsiveness is having a negative effect on your marriage, my advice would be to get some help for it. If you two can talk through it, though, and you feel like you two are making positive changes, then maybe it can be handled that way, but don't make excuses for behavior that is negatively affecting you and your marriage. It sounds to me like there is a lot of love here, and that talking and counseling can make a big difference.

Dawn DeMarco said:

yeah same here. when i let myself go with it, it turns into a good thing. my problem is getting my mind to agree. As for your other question about OCD, he doesn't get help for anything (could be his pride; could be the money) and I don't think he thinks it's that bad. I mean, he doesn't count things or make everything straight and perfect. He's just compulsive.

Joanna Trusdle said:

Dawn, as I recall, you two are having some financial difficulties. Stress and whatever unhappiness there might be - disagreements about money, etc. - can having a significant effect on a marriage, and especially the sex life. It sounds like you two are talking about it, which is a huge step in the right direction. I am in my 40's, so there are many times when I am just too darned tired or whatever, from midlife hormone fluctuations, but I have found two things that have helped me. Sometimes I ask if we can just cuddle for the night, and by the time I have had a good nights rest and layed beside him all night, I am much more in the mood. Also, I have sometimes just made the mental decision to go ahead with sex, and ultimately, once I relax into it, it becomes a good thing.

Permalink Reply by Dawn DeMarco on November 9, 2009 at 10:06am

he's sure all they'll do is give him drugs that kill him inside and makes him not feel anything. that and there's the distrust of strangers (even the people I know that he doesn't)... it's not so much having a negative effect as driving me crazy haha. funny thing is people have been asking me lately if being married is easy. i laugh.

Joanna Trusdle said:

Dawn, if his compulsiveness is having a negative effect on your marriage, my advice would be to get some help for it. If you two can talk through it, though, and you feel like you two are making positive changes, then maybe it can be handled that way, but don't make excuses for behavior that is negatively affecting you and your marriage. It sounds to me like there is a lot of love here, and that talking and counseling can make a big difference.

Dawn DeMarco said:

yeah same here. when i let myself go with it, it turns into a good thing. my problem is getting my mind to agree. As for your other question about OCD, he doesn't get help for anything (could be his pride; could be the money) and I don't think he thinks it's that bad. I mean, he doesn't count things or make everything straight and perfect. He's just compulsive.

Joanna Trusdle said:

Dawn, as I recall, you two are having some financial difficulties. Stress and whatever unhappiness there might be - disagreements about money, etc. - can having a significant effect on a marriage, and especially the sex life. It sounds like you two are talking about it, which is a huge step in the right direction. I am in my 40's, so there are many times when I am just too darned tired or whatever, from midlife hormone fluctuations, but I have found two things that have helped me. Sometimes I ask if we can just cuddle for the night, and by the time I have had a good nights rest and layed beside him all night, I am much more in the mood. Also, I have sometimes just made the mental decision to go ahead with sex, and ultimately, once I relax into it, it becomes a good thing.