Miscarriage

I guess this isn't the healing portion of the deal, but being able to talk to people helps me heal, so... I'm talking.

Two weeks before I took the pregnancy test, I was having like the morning sickness and.. just knew that I was pregnant; didn't even have to do with the symptoms. I just knew; call it mom's intuition.

Then, I started my cycle, and the doubts started to come up. "Am I really pregnant? Oh please let me be pregnant." It was much lighter than usual, so the second day, I finally took the test and got an instant positive. I was so ecstatic I jumped on my husband, scaring him half to death.

He didn't take it well at first, but a couple of days later, I could tell he was really excited; scared but excited. I was so happy.

My cycle went eight days and I was beginning to worry. Ten days, and I knew I needed to find out what was wrong. Twelve days, I went to a free clinic to see what they could do. The nurse there told me there was a strong possibility I had miscarried. I took a blood test then and another two days later. After several hours of waiting (even though I was mostly sure of the answer... I was living in false hope at this time) the doctor told me the bad news.

Except he said "it never took."

But I know it did. I could feel it in my heart. And then, it was gone.

Some days are harder than others... I prayed that God's will be done, but why did it have to be THAT??? Why did I have to lose something I loved even more than my own husband; wanted more than I had ever wanted my husband... Why that?

I cried myself mostly to sleep last night. If I had been able to get comfortable (darn back) I would have cried myself completely to sleep. I wanted that baby. I was so sure of everything. Now... I don't know...

To make matters worse, I woke up this afternoon to my cousin texting me. She and I do not talk for a lot of reasons, but mostly because she ends up making me angry every time. I ignored her "hey what's up" several times, and then she texts me about how pathetic I am that I would fake my pregnancy and lie about my miscarriage for attention. I'm sorry; the only time I lie is when I'm covering someone's back. And of course, she doesn't know me (we only saw each other at family reunions and only started texting a few years ago, and like I said, I tend to ignore and avoid her), so she got this information from my sister-in-law, who with her own words said that my husband's dad emailed my brother saying how he didn't believe I was pregnant to begin with. My father-in-law does not know my brother and would actually at least go to my husband about such things first. And my dad's a jerk who doesn't really know me either.

I went 14 days on a period. I know for a fact that I was pregnant, and I know I miscarried. I am struggling with it as is now that the shock has worn off and I'm left depressed (but thankfully the pregnancy hormones will go away shortly...). That my sister-in-law would say things about me makes me both hurt and angry. I have never pulled this kind of stuff before, and have no idea where they are getting their stuff (adding my cousin in there). And I didn't even text everyone when I found out. I was hoping to tell people at Christmas so I didn't have to repeat myself. Yeah, when I told my dad, I didn't say it very well. I simply said "Oh ya I miscarried." figuring I ought to let him know.

Obviously, there's a lot going on right now, and I'm just not sure how to take it all in. It's like, when I realize my loss again, I break down. And my own family doesn't help.

Any advice?